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Wednesday, November 26, 2008


Last Thursday I woke up in the middle of the night with this searing pain in my chest. I was struggling to breathe as I stumbled my way into the bathroom. The pain was so severe and my breath so labored that for a few moments I wondered if I might be having a heart attack.

Curled up along the bathroom floor, I was trying to guess if this was going to be my Heath Ledger moment. Couldn't be, he took a lot more meds than I do. Could this be from all the partying I did in college? Maybe, but I haven't done any binge-drinking in like four, FIVE days maybe.

After a few minutes of dry-heaving I took some pepto bismol and Pepcid AC and eventually found my way back to bed, where my wife comforted me to sleep.

As I laid there contemplating the fragility of life, I thought about one of my best friends and former bandmates, Eddie. We played together in a rock band throughout high school and after college, friends and brothers for more than a decade. We shared a lot of time making music together, him on drums and me on guitar. We used to spend hours at a time talking about our secrets and dreams.

I thought about him because he passed away earlier this year as a result of his long struggle with addiction.

I wondered if I would've seen him again if I died just then. Is there a drumset where he is? Is there a guitar and a microphone? Are we sinners allowed to make music after we die? If so, can we just keep playing and playing until we're good enough?

Until we can make it big, man. Until we grow wings and start floating. We're going to make it all the way, man. We're going to be so big. We'll make it to heaven. You'll see, man. I'll be there soon and then we can start jamming, Eddie. We will play the greatest songs and everyone will love us and remember us. Someday we will make it big. We will pay for all of our lies and sins and selfishness with glorious, soulful, beautiful music-making. Redemption. Salvation. We'll keep practicing and playing until we're good enough. I'll be there soon, man, and we can start jamming again, just like old times. We'll play until we make it all the way to heaven.

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